Judging by how tired I was getting towards the end of the first week, I decided to nominate Saturday as a skills day - no new script work, allowing a little more time to focus on guitar practice, singing, talking to a camera, and so on.
I set my goal pretty high - I wanted to take a speech I know well, and then pretty much rip it apart.. on camera... "directors from hell" style. It turns out, I'm kind of terrified of talking to the camera. Acting like a tit on film? Not a problem... as long as I'm not paying attention to the camera. I love having my photo taken too. I've got plenty of songs up on Souncloud, available to the public, so it's clearly not a problem with being *heard* either. I have no idea why I'm so shy of actually putting my voice and image together. So that particular plan fell through. I did do some nattering on the camera, a sort of first draft of facing my various gremlins and then responding to them. I'll be going over that at some point and possibly patching it together into a video. If I do, I'll link it here, though it may be a while if I decide to redo it with a tighter script (and a bit more emoting when I'm being the gremlins!)
..And then there was the Doctor Who special. I remembered spotting a youtube video on developing emotional range which suggested watching films in a more open posture and really letting yourself feel everything. So while I was in the cinema rather than at home alone, I did just that - any time I was holding my breath, I tried to breathe, and as far as possible kept my arms out to my sides (premier seating for the win!) The result? Utterly vibrating with a lot of emotions I've not really felt in a while, and a few new favorite lines!
So all in all, I did spend a good chunk of the day feeling like I hadn't achieved much and that dispite being my own project, for which I make the rules, I was somehow cheating by giving myself a "day off". But the fact of it is, once I relaxed and let myself just absorb what opportunities were there, I found myself remembering, opening up, and learning. This is meant to be a journey and I don't need to be perfect all the time. As I get more secure in myself, this will all start to come more easily.
It's been a long time since I looked up at the stars, really properly. And all three of my favorite constellations are hanging up there tonight, the three my dad taught me to recognise when I was six. And I think I kinda felt like I was back there again.
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